Ah the annual trip to the gynocologist's office. Yes, it's that time of year again and I reluctantly made the appointment. With a new doc so that my experience can be even more stressful than initially planned.

I must fess up, it's been a few years since I've ventured back to those "stirrups". I'd like to say I've missed them, but I would be lying. But, hey, I knew that it was time to get the 'ol poontang checked out and since I am approaching my mid-thirties...it is important to get those check-ups to make sure that everything is in working order. That yearly "pop the hood and check out the engine". That wonderful opportunity to have a person whom I barely know prop themselves at an end I'd wish they were not at and peer into me like Johnny Bench just to make sure that all is well and good down there. It's at these moments that I pray there is no echo when they speak to me while actually doing the exam. But I digress.

It's important to me that whomever is doing the exam be a female. I'm a firm believer that no man, no matter how well educated and experienced he may be with the female anatomy, no man can truly know how we feel as he has never been through this before. Just as I cannot truly know what it's like to be kicked in the cojones or how uncomfortable it is to have "blue balls". I will never experience being able to write my name in the snow (neatly) while I am peeing, therefore, because of this, a female is the only way to go when it comes to my female, er....stuff.

So I'm on the exam table and the woman doing the exam has made me feel very comfortable, which is a good start. At least as comfortable as I'm going to get in this position.
I'm completely naked and barely covered with this "gown". And there is a small paper towel sort of thing over my mid-section. So she asks me to "scoot" down until I am at the end of the table. So I can fully expose everything that is sacred and good. With every inch that I "scoot" she says..."a little more....a little more". I'm thinking how much closer does she want me to be to her nose? Is she blind? I have finally "scooted" to an appropriate position. Feet in stirrups and my knees locked together, even though I know it is still possible to see EVERYTHING! At that moment she says that she's going to get the nurse to help with the exam as she will need more hands. HEY!!! wait a minute....I have 2 hands....I can help out if you need me to hold something! Why now does someone new have to come into the picture??? And ofcourse the exam table is facing the door! So the nurse comes into the room and introductions are made. This is the strangest way to meet people. I insist that I never meet people with my pants on the floor, feet in stirrups and legs spread wide open.....well there was that one time but I'm trying to forget about that. But the nurse must have been used to this as she didn't seem to bat an eye at the site she saw.
I, however, was about to pass out.

So the exam continues and, like previously stated, it has been a few years since I've been to see anyone about my "plumbing". I remember, not fondly, these chrome looking speculums that went inside you and were cold and uncomfortable. Well...technology certainly has made advances since my last visit to the gynocologist. Glory be....my doc picked up what looked like a light-sabre from star wars! It was clear plastic with a beam of light eminating from within. I must have been delirious as I could have sworn I heard "LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER" in the faint distance. But she took that alien like instrument and continued with the exam. Needless to say...all went well from there and I was very happy to get dressed and be done with that part of my "womanly duty" for another year.

I can't imagine what it will be like if I ever have children. I've been told that you get so used to having someone check you out that it doesn't bother you anymore. We shall see about that. At least the speculum wasn't icey cold like they so often have been in the past. That's always an eye opener when the doc inserts an icey cold instrument into you to perform the "inspection" That's always a treat. Plastic doesn't really get cold unless you refridgerate it and that didn't happen in this case.

It's always been somewhat strange to me when the exam is done and you get dressed and go back out into the reception area to pay for this voluntary violation. It's like I'm trying to be cool about it all but I'm calmly talking to the person who is more familiar with my "other end" than she is of my face. I guess all's well that ends well.

Until my next blog.

Well a new year is upon us. Holidays are behind us once again. I have nothing profound to say or any wisdom to give. Just remember our troops.
Remember those men and women who are away from their family and friends. Let's pray they stay safe and come home soon.

Wish you were here...