I can so relate...

quirkyalone

I figured I'd mention this site again

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Check this out

I think this site is worth checking out. I work with this person and she is truly an inspiration. I feel very privileged to know her and work with her. The site is still being tweaked...but do stop by.

www.butterflychallenge.com

late and lonely

So here it is after 3am and I can't sleep. Working nights kills my sleep schedule. I'm waiting for my benedryl to kick in. It's at these moments that I can't sleep, it's late and no one to talk to on the phone, it's quiet...and I start to be very aware of my aloneness. I hate this. Normally I'm OK with my singledom. I mean I'm dating...sort of. But there's no one special and it seems as though everyone around me is a couple. It's so in my face at every turn. My friends, my neighbors, my co-workers...all couples. Here I am, it's late and I'm in my usual insomnia, watching late night TV and even that is hard to take. Ads everywhere for Match.com, e-harmony.com, perfectmatch.com, over30singles.com...STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What's so wrong with just being single??? Even the internet pop-up ads all about not being single...then, of-course, right after the couples ads are the ones for depression. Well no shit...when you live in a society that touts coupledom or you're a loser...how can you not be depressed?

Most relationships that I know of are not good. It's a rare relationship that stands the tests of time and is still going strong. I know far more bad relationships than I do good ones. I'm not even sure what defines a good vs. bad relationship but it seems there is a mutual respect that each other has for the other that seems to be considered "good".

One girl I work with, she met her husband on the internet. That e-harmony site. A few months ago it was total bliss and she was sad because he was going away for 18 months to do contract work in Afganistan. Even for the contract workers it's very dangerous! About 2 weeks ago she was complaining about him. I mean it wasn't basic complaining, it was more like 'I don't think this marriage is going to last' kind of complaining. And she really wasn't complaining, it was more matter of fact. She felt he was whining too much and missing her too much. Huh...he went away to make more money for the both of them. He's in harms way. Away from everything that is familiar and she's ready to throw in the towel because he calls her every day and misses her. She feels he's whining. This shit angers me to no end. Why is it that everyone is so easily prone to giving everything all up on a whim when things don't go quite the way they thought it would? What ever happened to longevity? What happened to better or worse? Is it true that people romanticise the whole marriage thing? Fuck marriage...is being a couple just about the romance and when that's not running through your veins it's over???

I want it all...the good, the bad, the happiness, the worries, the everything. I want it with someone who's my best friend. Someone who I'll respect even when I'm not happy with him. Someone who I will still like even at those times when I wonder why I love him. I don't want a wedding, I want a marriage. I want it all. I deserve it all. And I refuse to settle just because society repeatedly shoves in my face that being a couple at all costs is the end all be all of being american. I support myself. I work full-time if not more. I have my friends and family. If something needs to be fixed I call a repair person and get it fixed. I'm able to do that. My need for a man does not outweigh my want. I do want someone....very much. It's in these moments that I am very aware of how alone I am. But, as was once written on a Bazooka bubble gum comic, the fortune read...better to be alone than in bad company. That's pretty good advice for 5 cents.