Pretending

So often people just think that I'm happy all the time. I make people laugh and they tend to gravitate towards me. It's nice to have the attention. What they don't know is that even though I usually look so happy and cheerful, I'm really lonely. How can you be lonely with so many people around you?

ironic

So this is interesting. Why is it that when someone pays attention to you. I mean dotes on you. Is romantic, complimentary, shows interest in you... If it's not the person you love then it really doesn't mean much at all. Why is that? When one can be looking for love. Want to be in love. But if it's not from the one you want it from, then it just doesn't matter. How difficult do we need to make this here?

Maybe it's the romance part. Some of us are really cut out to be romantic. Others just seem to be missing that romance gene. Truly, if the love is there, who needs romance. Some of the most mundane shit can be considered "romantic". If you're really into the person just being with them can be "romantic". To me...that's romance. I really don't care about the romance shit. It's really all about the person and the thought. All the fancy flowers, things and stuff is nice... but they're just things. And all those things from the wrong person...just doesn't change a "thing".

Why do I continue to have faith in those that repeatedly let me down? Isn't that insanity?

Found...cool blog

www.postsecret.blogspot.com

Some days

I haven't been in my job for very long. I know I like it. I love that I'm helping people. It's totally busy and hectic and things to do all the time. I like to be busy. I hate being bored on the job. My mind is constantly going. So are my feet. Everyone there is nice to me and helpful. Plus it's a great mix of men and women which is something I didn't really get in my last job. (I'm not a big fan of working with women....all women.)

Today, however, was really intense. {{sigh}} Hugely intense. I dealt with one death and one kid who may not make it. Both were completely trying on my emotions. The families of both completely devestated. Nothing I could do except give emotional support and at one point catch someone who collapsed in utter despair. It was all I could do not to lose it right there with them. Cry along with them. I didn't want to because it was not my moment. It was theirs and I needed to be there for them to support them. To help them. To make phone calls if needed. To answer questions. Yet every fiber of my body wanted to reach out and weep along with them. The loss was almost unbearable. The pain I could see in their eyes. Their eyes begging me for a reason as to why this happened to their loved one. I had no answers and I hated that. I could only tell them what I knew from what I had wittnessed in the room. Nothing more. They wanted me to bring their loved one back to them. I couldn't. I wanted to make it better. Take away their pain. But I couldn't.

How helpless I felt standing in the room watching them. This was nothing any water, soda or juice was going to make better. All I could do was hand them tissues and rub their backs as they individually sobbed at the bedside of their loved one.

I watched my co-worker help them. I could see in her face that she was feeling the pain too. I tried to make eye contact with her for some validation. Some sign that it was OK for me to feel this way. But she didn't look at me and I could tell why. She was struggling just as much as I was. All we could do was be there. Just be there for them.

It all seemed to end just as quickly as it started. Although we spent a significant amount of time with them the time went by so fast. I left work feeling numb. I decided to go tanning. Weird...I know. It just seemed like a place to go that was close by to relax and unwind. I know the guy that works there so it was nice to have mindless chit-chat with him. He asked how the new job was going and I was rather blank. I liked it. I told him that. But I was drained from my day. I went back to the room where the bed was and locked the door. I undressed slowly as my entire body ached from being on my feet all day. I layed down on the mat and turned on the machine. The hum of the bed helped me to relax and start to calm my mind. It was at that moment that I started to think of the mom and her little girl who went to surgery. Her little sister who was scared and upset because they may have to shave her sister's hair off. The woman who lost her love. Who collapsed in my arms sobbing uncontrollably begging for us to bring him back. It was at that moment. With the tanning bed humming loudly. Music from the salon blasting in the distance. That was the moment that I lost it. The tears came so fast and so hard. I couldn't help it and I didn't care if anyone could hear me. I cried for the mom. I cried for the little sister. I cried for the baby who didn't even know what was going on. I cried for the lover who will never again see the man she wished she'd been more tolerant of. I cried for the father who expected to go before his son. I cried for them all. For the feeling of not knowing what to do next. For feeling lost. I cried so hard I wasn't sure if I would be able to stop.

I left that place tonight feeling empty. Wishing that it didn't have to be so hard. Yet so thankful for my family who drives me nuts. Thankful for my friends who I love and consider them my extended family. Eternally grateful and thankful for my spaz dog who was so happy to see me when I got home she threw up. I was greatful to clean it up because she was by me wagging her tail, licking my face as if she was sorry she did it but couldn't help it out of sheer jubilation. Even thankful for that someone who broke my heart, but he's back from a war and that's good.

Tonight I came home to a slightly messy house. An exuberant dog who body slams me when she sees me. No major problems. No one gone from my life. Everyone OK. And for that I am thankful. I will hug my dog a little tighter tonight. And I will say a prayer of thanks before I lay my head on my pillow for all the people who have touched my life. Good or bad...I am thankful.