Over it

I'm supposed to be compassionate in my job. That's a HUGE part of what I do every day I go into that hospital to work. It's basically part of my job description. Lately, I wonder where this compassion is coming from.

It's been a horrible week. I mean, the traumas, tons of people.....tons of angry people. I love that I can help them and sometimes they are grateful. Like the young girl who's boyfriend beat her up. Same story, always the same story. She's young and impressionable. He's an ass and needs to control her and tells her she's ugly, stupid and no one would want her. I told her differently as I was trying to convince her to file a police report. Although she didn't, she hugged me when she left to go to her mother's and with a tear streaked face told me that no one had ever told her she was beautiful before, except for her mother. She sobbed as she hugged me and thanked me for telling her she was beautiful. How sad I felt for her. I sat in that room and told her that she was beautiful but she needed to believe it from within. (Sometimes I shock myself with the advice I give others and need to take for myself....but I digress)

But these moments of gratefulness are few and far between lately. Last night I had a brush with some guys who security had to be called in on. I found myself face to face with a guy who reminded me of a bull the way his nostrils were flaring. Although his language was far more advanced from that of a bull, his eyes were angry and someone was going to get hurt. As I stood before him with 4 police officers behind me and 3 hospital security guards I pleaded with him to calm down before he got arrested and basically bargained with him not to hurt me because I knew he was raised properly and wouldn't hit a woman. I knew the cops were right there and would be on him like white on rice, but only after the first blow to me. Thank God he was somewhat rational and allowed me to escort him outside to smoke and calm down. (I'll rethink doing that again.) And the guy tonight who almost stroked out earlier but once his meds started to make him feel better he cursed out every person who came in contact with him, including me. As I was filling a prescription for him for FREE so he doesn't DIE, he showed his gratitude by having a stare out with me for not doing it fast enough!!! Then tells me to"fucking" quit gabbing with my co-workers as he's waiting!!! Then the pointless "stare-down" to again try to intimidate me. And that's just a smidge of the shit I tolerate. Trust me when I say I love my job as I really do....but....

I'm so over this shit! I need a break from all this crap! I'm being drained and no sign of refueling in sight. I'm dragging. I love helping people but I just don't seem to have anyone helping me. Am I being a baby about this? YUP!!! I AM! I need someone for me...as I'm always being that someone for everyone else, or so it seems.

Dog Tired

Illusion

Cindy Sheehan

Now this really irritates the shit out of me. The "president" has said that he "sympathizes with Ms. Sheehan....I've thought long and hard about her position (I'm sure he was doing his thinking while sitting on the john reading an Archie comic)...[but] it would be a mistake for the security of this country and the ability to lay the foundations for peace in the long run if we were to [get out of Iraq now]."

What I want to know....along with the rest of the 'thinking' population of this magnificent country is this....Where are those WMD's? When did Iraq pose a threat to our national security? And, how many more people are going to have to die while this atrocity continues to play for the amusement of a few power-hungry men who don't have to worry about their ass being on the front lines? If someone can answer these questions please let me know. Our "fearless", horribly misguided leader doesn't sympathize with anyone other than those who will continue to stick their noses up his ass and stroke his ego.

Ms. Sheehan....God bless you.

accident

Today is the anniversary of the day I was hit by a car. 27 years ago today, sometime in the afternoon, I was hit by a car while I was crossing the street. This is what I've been told. I have no memory of this. I was struck on the left side, went onto the hood of the car, then the roof and came down on my head. I had a laceration of my brain. The paramedics had to cut off my favorite Goofy t-shirt from Disney. The entire incident happened in front of my sister. I was in the hospital for about a week. In a coma for most of it. I woke up to find my mom at the window of the hospital and I asked if I could open the presents that were around my bed. So, yeah....

I was hit by a car and lived to tell about it. Well, tell what I had been told. I guess there's a reason I didn't die then. The only thing that lingers about that accident is I get headaches. Bad ones from time to time. I just had one. Wanted to rip my head off it hurt so bad. But I was lucky that I am sitting here, able to tell about it, with only headaches to complain about. I guess the headache reminded me of this anniversary. Rather appropriate. I'm just a little tired and whoozy coming down from the headache. But I'm here.

In my line of work I see people almost every night who were involved in some horrible accident. I am the one who contacts the families/loved ones of the accident. Sometimes their loved one is only hurt slightly but it just looks bad. Sometimes their loved one is hurt so bad that if they make it through the night it is a miracle. I often wonder why some people's lives are spared and some are taken away so abruptly. So many of those times I hear the loved one say to me through tears that they had just been in a fight. Or they were trying to reconcile and now their love was taken away. It happens more frequently than I'd like to admit. So many times these people wish they had more time to say the "I love you's", "you matter to me", I care about you". They will never have that back. They will struggle with regret probably the rest of their lives. They will move on but always have that lingering feeling of "if only".

Those e-mails that I often get from friends. Almost like spam. You know the ones...."it's national friendship day"....or "national girlfriends day". The ones that get forwarded a million times and I tend not to forward because I hate spam. But if you read them, they repeatedly say things like not taking a friend/family/loved one for granted. And it's true. You never know when that someone will be taken away from you...abruptly. God forbid that happens...but it's so true.

I'm an Aries and I'm German/Irish. I can be so damn stubborn I'll stick to being angry/pissed off at you till the cows come home. I've done it and I used to be proud of that. Why? It's something I'm working on as I mature. Because the thing is...those spam e-mails from friends...even though I roll my eyes every time I get another damn one...they are so true. Nothing is guaranteed in life. Tomorrow isn't promised. Yesterday is gone. You only have now. I have to remind myself of this often...very often. Especially when those I care about are being dipshits. But still. It's a constant reminder that these people are in my life for a reason. For whatever reason, regardless of how pissed off some may make me. I still care for them. I need to be able to tell them more often. I am lucky to have people in my life, even if they do piss me off from time to time. It's not all about me. I would never want anything to happen to anyone I cared about and feel bad that I hadn't told them I cared because I was angry, or stubborn, or just plain scared that they may reject me.

And right now I'm going to lay back down, snuggle with my dog who is quite the cuddler, close my eyes and remind myself how lucky I am to be here after being in that accident. I am exactly where I should be and I am so very thankful for the people in my life. Everyone damn one of them...even you 'O'.

"Accept the present moment as perfect"...now that's good advice.

Stress release

The happiest dog...Roxie June

I guess pink really is the new black.

Here's a thought

Is it possible to have phone sex with someone who stutters? Things that make you go hmmmmmm.