Damn....he's cute!

My lil' Mack

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Mack - Custom videocodes by MyWynk

A moment

OK, I'm aware that feeling sorry for one's self is rather, well, pathetic. I know this. But I must admit that I am having a moment. And dammit...I still like me! (eh he)

See, thing is, I feel as if life is happening all around me and I'm stagnant. I'm just kind of here. One of my best friends is moving away this fall to start a whole new life in New York City. I know it's somewhat scarey but also exciting. It is, after all, THE CITY!! My other best friend, well, she's just all happy with her relationship and they're talking marriage. They've also pretty much decided to see what happens if she stops birth-control. Hmmmm one can only imagine. I know someone else who has been dating this girl and they've decided to start a family. My sister and her LP are just brimming with joy over their lil' Mack (I am too, actually). People at work are moving away to start over somewhere else. Friends are getting engaged, married, buying houses, starting families, moving for better jobs. And then there's me...

I'm almost embarrassed when someone I haven't talked to in a while calls me and asks 'what's new'. Nothing. Ofcourse they will say "oh that's not true! Seriously, what's going on?". Nothing. Nothing is new. Nothing has changed. Nothing's different. Job is great. That's pretty much all I do. I work and find things to do around the house. Pretty damn boring. And I love the inevitable question I get when I'm asked...and I'm always asked...'So, dating anyone?' Nope. No one. Or, how about when asked; 'been on any good dates recently'? Yeah...let's see....Superbowl Sunday. That was my last date. Sad. Both the date and the fact that it's been months since my last date! Pathetic actually.

I was asked both questions just this past Saturday. The look on my face and the sound of my voice pretty much says it all. And it only exacerbates the issue when it seems as though all I see around me are couples. Couples out walking the dog. Couples grocery shopping. Even homeless people are in couples. Even the ones that have nothing seem to at the very least have each other.

I just don't get it. I'm not ugly. Actually consider myself to be sort of cute. I'm educated. I'm gainfully employed. I make a decent wage. I live in a house, albeit not mine, but it's a house, none-the-less. I'm not a gold-digger. I'm intelligent. I'm witty. I'm funny...and not just by my standards...people really do think I'm funny. I bathe everyday. I make a pretty good attempt to present myself well and on most occasions succeed at this. I have all my own teeth and I brush them daily! I mean, really...this isn't bad!

But, sad to say, life just seems to be floating by and I'm the only one standing on the shoreline watching the people move down the ocean of life. I'm happy for them. All of them! Really. I wouldn't want it any other way. But now that I have come to realize what it is I am looking for in MY life, I can't seem to jump on that float! And it continues to pass me by. Always with more people onboard. New things happening for them and I just seem to continue standing there. I wonder when I'll be able to jump on board 'life'. I wonder when it will start happening for me? Supposedly everything happens for a reason. I'd really like to know who's grand plan my reason for being shipwrecked on shore while everyone else is passing by??!!!!!

MY NEPHEW!!!!

FINALLY! I'm an AUNT!!!!! My little nephew was born July 11th, 2006 at 8:05am. My sister and the LP are in Texas with him and I can't wait to see him in person!!! Here he is, my lil' Mack.

A Smile

I work in an emergency room. It's the 6th or 7th busiest ER in the nation. Yes, the nation. We are a level 2 trauma center. Not that this should mean much to people other than those who work in trauma centers. I just want to stress how busy we are and the level of sickness we get on a daily basis. It can be utterly chaotic. I've worked nights when the traumas come in one after the other. I've literally danced musical chairs with patients and families trying to sort through everything that has taken place in a matter of a couple hours. I'm not a nurse or a doctor. But I see just about everything that comes through the ER doors on my shift. And through all of what I see, I need to be compassionate. Sometimes I wonder where it comes from. Some nights, when the pager is beeping nonstop...another gun shot wound, another stabbing, another unhelmetted motorcyclist, another drunk driving car crash, another baby thrown to the ground by an impatient parent, another child drowning. The list can go on and on.

Don't misunderstand, some nights can be completely uneventful. Many a time these nights are cherished quietly by the staff for fear that if anyone says the obvious out loud we will be jinxed with mass casualties. EMS/paramedics know all too well not to mention what is seen on those days when things are "quiet" or "slow". Dare they utter the words aloud for fear of repercussions from the ER staff.

Whether the day is busy to the point of exhaustion or mundane to the point of boredom we will still see those patients that probably don't need to be utilizing the services of an emergency room. Sometimes these people are just lonely. They may not have family or what family they do have doesn't care about them anymore or they never did. Sometimes these patients just come in as something to do to pass their already endless days of nothingness. It's a chance to interact with someone who for a brief moment seems like they may care soley for that person's well being. Albeit brief, it's still something better than the treatment they may or may not receive outside the walls of the ER. I have certainly learned that loneliness is a far greater epidemic then what I may feel from time to time when I'm having a moment.

Whatever the situation may be that has brought these people to the ER. Possibly a trauma, a heart attack, a stroke...maybe pain that just won't go away and has become unbearable enough to seek out treatment from an ER physician. Or maybe it's just because they need attention that they just don't get elsewhere. There's really no medical reason to be there other than some personal attention. Whatever it is...as I walk the ER hallways looking in on the rooms of the patients. I always smile. As I peruse the computer looking to see the various reasons people have presented to the ER today, whether they are awake, asleep, or sedated with family at bedside. I always approach them with a smile. It's amazing what smiling can do. Even though these people are in an ER and mostly not feeling well. When I smile, I will almost always be returned with a smile. It's either the patient or the family/friend. It's a way of calming people. Asking if I can get them a blanket. The most basic of needs. Can I help them with that. It's as if I was able to cure whatever it was that was hurting them. Mostly I listen. I take the time to listen and hold someone's hand. And it all begins with a smile. Even on those days when I don't care about anything in the world. When I'm feeling selfish and cold. Like my problems are all that matters right now and I don't give a shit about anyone else... Somehow I muster that damn smile and after a while, I find that even I can feel better. Something so simple. Yet so rarely seen today.

I grew up in a small town. I grew up naive to the different cultures, trials and tribulations of the world. Although I have since lived in cities a majority of my adult life. I have become somewhat hardened to life as one would need to be to survive in this world today. I consider myself street-smart for the most part. Yet I've still never lost that small town "smile". Even when I moved to my first city after college as I strolled down a busy street and looked people right in the eye and would say "hello" and smile. They would return this with odd looks and sometimes a scowl. But even in the city I would most often than not get a smile back. Almost surprisingly they would smile and say "hello" back. I still do it. I've even had people say to me that I'll talk to anyone. And, yes, I guess I will if they seem open to it. I'm outgoing in that regard.

Next time you're out and about, take a look around. See what happens when you just smile. You just may make someone else's day. If not their's than maybe your own. Besides...it's free.

Happy Birthday America!!!

I thought since I've been rather lax on blogging lately, what better day to post something than America's birthday. I wish I had a wonderful pic to post along with this post but as I browse through my pic gallery I really don't have anything that would fit for the occasion. No flags, no fireworks, no pictures of the Statue of Liberty. Well, I have one but my sister is in it and the statue is far away in the background and really not visible unless you are familiar with the location.

Then as I continued to search my gallery, I came across some pics of someone I know who was in the army and the pics were taken of him in Iraq almost 2 years ago. Ofcourse this brings back a flood of emotion and memories. And now my post goes from one of celebrating America's birthday to thinking of someone I'm trying very hard NOT to think about. Don't you just love how things play out in life???

I've asked this person to go away. Leave me alone for good. That was very hard to do but I did this for reasons that I need not post here. I have to admit, though, not a day goes by that I don't think of him. And, although I sent him away, I'm still grateful that he came back from Iraq safe. I'm grateful that he's back home with his family and friends and I'm grateful he's getting back into his life. I wish things had been different as I miss so many things about him. Especially that New York accent. And the fact that he is so utterly brilliant it's scarey. But, I guess he just doesn't know what to do with a REAL woman once he has met her. I can't be angry at him as there's no point in wasting that kind of energy. Plus I'd like to think that as I get older, holding onto anger, as I have learned, really serves no purpose except to keep me down.

So today...America's Birthday. Happy Birthday America!

God bless America
God bless our troops everywhere
And Godspeed to you. I miss ya...what can I say.