I just feel bad

Not a good day. Monday...not a good day. I had such a fun weekend, although tiring...came back to face Monday morning meetings. No big deal. But received a phone call from my mom telling me that my aunt had passed away yesterday. It was her sister. Although she had been my favorite aunt at one time in my life, I hadn't spoken to her since my grandmother had passed away.

My family isn't very close. Extended family that is. Once my grandma passed away I really haven't seen any of my extended family. Grandma pretty much was the reason for the visits. My family is weird like that. Not particularly close. Which I find odd at times when I hear stories of co-workers or friends talk of family reunions and Christmas with aunts and uncles. We're not like that. Although my sister and I are close and I'm grateful for that, my mom and her sibs just aren't that way.

My memories of my aunt are short but sweet. I remember that she had dyed black hair and wore red lipstick. She almost always had lipstick outlining her lips but never had it on her lips. That's just the way she was and that's just the way I remember her. I remember when she was with my "uncle" C who I later learned wasn't really my uncle but when you're a kid your parents don't want you to know that shit. Uncle 'C' always gave out silver dollars and I loved that. I remember my aunt and "uncle" owned a bar together and we would visit the bar. She used to have a cockatoo that cursed like a sailor and they even had t-shirts of the bars name and I thought that was totally cool to wear those shirts as a kid because of the drunkin mouse on the t-shirt. My "uncle" passed away and my aunt later married another man whom I didn't know very well. Apparently the family knew him well as he wasn't well liked. But at this stage of the game, my aunt was getting up there in years and she wanted a companion.

My memories of her were all pretty cool. She was a cool aunt. There was some bad or shall I say sad moments at my grandmother's funeral between my aunt and my mom. You know how it is...you can say anything you want about your family but God forbid someone else says anything bad about your blood. My aunt made some comments about my mom that were hurtful and I vowed that I would never speak to her again. And I didn't. Now she's passed on...

But I was still sad. Sad to hear of her passing and sad for my mom who lost her sister. I can't even fathom losing my sister.

Sad news first thing in the morning and I came home after a long day, spoke with my parents to confirm that they were headed to my aunt's funeral. Shortly after that I received another unwanted phone call. I was told that my friend, my neighbor and friend had also died over the weekend. He was one of the nicest men I knew. Always a gentleman. Always helping me in one way or another. Be it carrying a heavy box up to my apartment on the second floor or sending up a home cooked meal as he knew I hated to cook and he enjoyed cooking, not to mention very good at it. Both him and his girlfriend were very good to me. Always welcoming, always willing to help. I never did anything for him. He never asked for anything in return. He was just a really great guy and I so appreciated all that he did for me.

He was young and beautiful. A truly beautiful, talented person. And now he's gone. And, although I always thanked him for his help or kindness, I don't think he ever knew how much I truly appreciated him. How much it meant to me when he sent me upstairs with home made spagetti and meatballs only to knock on my door an hour later to present me with garlic bread that he forgot to include. Or the roast beef and veggies. The time he sat and tried to fix my computer and worked out many of the kinks. That was the last time I saw him...when he sat at my computer and told me to get the recovery disk and he would come back up and reinstall it so it would work for me. That's just how he was...always offering to help and never expecting anything in return.

My heart goes out to his family and his girlfriend who I also know. I hope she knows that I am here if she needs me. I know I was just the neighbor...but we were good neighbors and he will be greatly missed. I feel lucky to have known him.

Goodbye C.O. Thanks for everything. I'll miss you. Goodbye aunt 'M'...thanks for the memories.
Say hey to uncle 'C' and see if he has any more silver dollars. Don't go bickering with grandma...you know how you two get.

Well LA DEE FUCK'IN DA!

For months now I've dealt with the problems of a computer virus. Yes, most likely because I didn't have any anti-virus software on my computer. Never claimed to be a computer wiz...more like a computer kerplunk. I tried to live with the virus but finally it had the best of me and I had a friend come over and he spent 6 hours....yes...6 hours sitting and trying to figure out what I had done to my system then ultimately rebuilding it. 6 long hours but I finally had my system back. Or so I thought. Little by little the virus crept back into my system. Well...maybe not crept but bolted back into my computer. It was so frustrating!!! I live and breathe by my computer. Hey, I may not know how the hell it works but I still love it. Let's face it...I don't know what makes a car run but I drive the damn thing!... I digress...

Last week as I was updating my windows. I completed the update and attempted to retrieve my email. Well, that wasn't happening. I couldn't type my ID or password and I couldn't figure out why. I went to the internet and soon realized that not only could I not access my email, I couldn't do anything on the internet that required me to type in anything. No google, no online banking, no search engines what-so-ever! Now I was pissed. And fed up! For about 6 months I had dealt with this damn virus and the affects it had on my beloved computer. I was done!

Along comes DELL. One phone call and credit approval later...I await my new DELL laptop. I love that word. It's my new man...laptop. Well guess what... here it is. I'm using it to write this blog. I love it. Much like I would love a man who arrives on time, looks this good and is up and running in a matter of minutes! Yes...my new man has yet to disappoint me. I know, I know...you 're thinking that it's early in the relationship but I have a feeling this will be a long and wonderful relationship. He's on my "lap" as I type. It's been over 8 hours and I'm not sick of him yet. So far I don't feel smothered or need my space. He has not once done anything that I haven't wanted him to do. This may be love. It's early but it may very well be love. Me and the laptop. Hey...at the rate I'm going and the luck I have with the "other" men...maybe this ain't so bad.

What is up with everything???

I don't understand. I just don't get it anymore. It's late on a Sunday night and I can't sleep though I am tired. I'm just sad. It seems as though recently I have been hearing about all the troubles of relationships. I'm a single gal who is looking for that one perfect relationship or at least something resembling perfect to me. But it's hard to hold out hope that some kind of wonderful will happen when I hear so many stories of the shitty relationships out there. Not to mention how shitty people can be to one another.

As I was sitting here contemplating this whole thing I realized that it seems as though we are divided. Almost a 50/50 split. Kind of like back in school sports where you had the teams of shirts and skins. We have the ones who want the relationship and the ones who are shits.

It's human nature to want to be with someone. I'm no different. Statistics show that people who are in healthy, loving relationships have better health. Doesn't even have to be a partnership, be it a friendship, team, work. Stats show that any relationship is good for the soul. It's the feeling of being wanted. Being accepted.

I want to be wanted. I want to be in a loving, healthy relationship. But when I hear so many stories of my friend's who are having problems. It's hard not to wonder if maybe I'm better off alone. Maybe I will be alone forever. That seems so bleak. But when you hear about the stories of....he doesn't pay attention to me anymore, he doesn't touch me anymore, he's still with his lover, he's still married and I'm wondering what will happen when the holidays are here, he's far away, he's too busy, he's stringing me along, he's abusive verbally, he's abusive physically, he's abusive chemically. What is wrong with society today that we can't just be OK together anymore? Why is it that we just can't seem to be loving anymore? What has changed so dramatically with society that we want to throw in the towel so quickly? And why, with all this happening, why do I still want to be with someone when the odds are stacked against me? Is there a forever? Is that just an illusion? I want a forever...but will that forever find me? I have hope that it will.

He's Just Not That Into You

I really couldn't have said it any better...

Wake up, girls: he's just not that into you

By SARAH BAXTER / The Sunday Times

NEW YORK - If you are a woman, you will have heard the excuses before.

He's stressed at work and too busy to call. He's had an awful break-up and cannot commit. He's not ready for marriage or he's too tired for sex.

Face it: the guy would rather chew off his arm than tell the truth: he's just not that into you.

A book advising women to be realistic about the men they hope to date or marry has become this season's publishing sensation. Copies of He's Just Not That Into You have become more difficult to find in America than an honest boyfriend after Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, the authors, appeared on the Oprah Winfrey television show just over a week ago.

A first print run of 30,000 copies vanished off the shelves and booksellers are awaiting another 410,000 copies from the printers.

It has reached number two at Amazon.com, the online bookseller.

With chapter headings such as "He's just not that into you if . . . he's not asking you out, he's having sex with someone else (or) he only wants to see you when he's drunk," you would think it was stating the obvious. But when did that stop women from agonizing over the meaning of men's evasiveness?

Christine Whelan, a poised 27-year-old New Yorker, said that the book "hit the nail on the head." Men, she had noticed, were getting increasingly sophisticated in their excuses: "My favourite happened to a friend. She got an e-mail from a guy saying, 'It was great to see you and I look forward to making it happen again.'

"I thought that was an incredibly positive response until I got the same message from somebody else two weeks later. That's when the penny dropped. It was a 'Don't call me, I'll call you.' He had no intention of following up."

The authors stumbled on the concept while working as scriptwriters on Sex and the City. The women were chatting about relationships when Behrendt, who doubles as a comedian, dropped by.

One of the show's writers was talking about her date. "He didn't want to come up because he had work tomorrow," she told Behrendt.

The women said: "He's probably really busy."

Behrendt said: "No. He's just not that into you."

The line found its way into an episode of Sex and the City and is fast becoming a catchphrase. Tuccillo said that she had "wised up" since writing the book: "I've become more confident. At a party, a man was talking to me all night. At the end he wrote down his web address and said, 'Look at my website and e-mail me what you think.' I thought, web address? I deserve more than that."

Behrendt writes: "Because I am a guy, I know how a guy thinks, feels and acts.

"When a guy is into you, he calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off you and when it's time to have sex he's more than happy to oblige.

"I don't care if he's starting his new job as the president of the United States the next morning. He's coming up."

Among the advice on offer is: never ask a man for a date. "Don't let a guy give you his number with the words, 'Give me a call.' When men want you, they do the work. It sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out."

The authors warn that "an 'I love you' doesn't count unless he says it when he is sober" and he is not into you if he cheats.

Women should stop waiting for men to feel ready for marriage or children: "You women must love waiting around because you do it so much, which is ironic because you're the ones with the biological clocks ticking away. Here's why he feels rushed: he is still not sure you're the one."


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