Freak'in kick'in myself

You know how women are? We analyze. Analyze everything. Well guess what, I must have gotten more of that "analyze" gene cuz I not only analyze everything. I toil. I labor over things. Wonder. Re-enact. Completely kick it till it's dead. Call my friends and proceed to, again, kill the topic and analyze to complete and utter death! I HATE IT! WHY? Why do I do this to myself? It's 2:15AM. I can't sleep and that's why. Over, under, sideways analyze every fucking thing! I'm dying here and I can't stop! Must keep going. And for what? Slogging away at something that's bothering me....endlessly! The analyze demon has raged his wicked head and here I sit, blogging, eyes bloodshot and puffy.

It's sleep deprivation....yeah...that's it. Whatever.

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A dark day

Yesterday was the inauguration of the 42nd president of the United States and, yes, it was a dark day. Sad but true. I wanted to avoid watching any part of the inaurguration on television, however, I happened to pass a T.V. while I was working. I guess if I had to see any part of this extravagant production, this was the perfect time. Standing in the crowd were many protesters holding many, many signs but one caught my eye that was very profound. The sign read "Bush, how much body armor does $40 million buy?"

I think that statement pretty much sums it all up.

To all you die hard republicans, go ahead and justify $40 million dollars spent for one day's celebration. But you better think before you speak the next time you want to refer to the bleeding heart liberals as un-American or un-patriotic. Think long and hard about that.

Enough said.

wishful thinking

Another sleepless night. I hate when I can't sleep. It's these moments when I'm alone and it's late and quiet that my mind starts to think of things that I'd rather just put aside for times when I'm feeling stronger to deal with them. Although my dog has decided that if I'm up why not see if I'd be interested in a game of "throw the pig"...her favorite stuffed toy. As I lay here and type she has brought her pig over to me and has it in her mouth and her mouth resting on my arm. But that's just a side note.

So I contemplate my thoughts and wonder why things happen the way they do. Wonder if I'm going to regret my decisions or choices. I'm not one for regret...only lessons learned. I spent the better part of last night....3AM until 7AM on the phone with a good friend. A relatively new friend but she's really turned out to be quite a good friend and, let's face it, someone who will be on the phone with me from 3AM til 7 AM and has a family of her own is a damn good friend. Actually I have many damn good friends. I'm fortunate for that. But the reason for the phone call, aside from the fact that I had been out dancing and having some cocktails, I'm just feeling lost. And it's one of those things that I can't just get an exact answer to. Between the two of us we told our stories and listened to each other. She's a good person and I'm grateful that we have met.

I guess I was hoping for an exact answer to my query. But looks as though I'm not going to get it. It's not like she didn't want to give me an answer...she's just as stumped as I am. But I'm glad she was there to listen. It's one of those situations that I need to let go of. My new year resolution. Hard for me to just let go and allow whatever needs to happen just happen. Situations like this I turn to defense mode and protect myself. But I need to have faith. Faith that I will do the right thing and good will come from it.

Someone said to me tonight that they were shocked that I was such a loyal person. He was commenting on a situation he is somewhat familiar with. And I find that interesting to be shocked of someone's loyalty. I responded that I didn't do what I did for anyone. I did it for myself. I'm not one to intentionally hurt anyone. And it's important that when I lay my head down at night I know that if I can't sleep it's not because of anything I've done to hurt anyone. I know there are people in this world that don't consider these things. I do. Does that make me special? No. Unique? I'm unique but not for that reason. I'm real and what you see is what you get. But I've realized that just because I consider myself to be a good person doesn't mean that I'm entitled to good things. I hope that good things come my way but that's not always the case. This is my process of trying to just let go and allow whatever to happen...happen. Quite a process. And my blog a moment of therapy late at night when I can't sleep.

Thanks, 'E.L.' I appreciate the ear. Hope you got some sleep.

Happy New Year

OK, so it's slightly late and that's ok. My new year isn't starting out that well. I've been stressing and just can't seem to find solid ground. But what I need is to center myself and breathe. I need to just step back and observe things instead of taking everything all at once. It's not a good feeling and I'm overwhelmed. I hate being overwhelmed. So if I break it down...

Ultimately I realize how fortunate I am. I have a job that barely pays the bills but I get by and there are others who work much harder and can't pay the bills at all. I have a job and many don't. I have wonderful friends whom I love and I know I am loved as well. They let me know this and for that I am grateful. My friends are my family and I wouldn't know how to survive without them. My family, though they stress me out frequently, they love me. There are many who don't have family and those that do and are neglected by them. I am not among that group and I'm thankful for that. I have a dog who is probably the best creature on this earth (I'm bias) and I adore her for her energy, her playfulness that constantly makes me laugh and her constant affection and undying loyalty to me. She has on many occassions made me laugh when I wanted to cry and then snuggled up to me as if she knew I was hurting inside. She is a gift from God that I am truly grateful for.

So why has the start of my new year been stressful? Now I seem to have forgotten. I try to use the 6 month rule for things that just don't go my way. Is all this going to matter in 6 months? And I would say the majority of the time the answer is no. In 6 months all this shit will be either forgotten or I'll have just let go.

So for this new year I think I need to learn to just let go. To live life the best way I can. To enjoy everything for what it is. To not put such high expectations on everything and just let it be. Not to have an agenda. Not to worry about my age as I'm still young and still beautiful, inside and out and let's face it...age is just a number and is what you make it. Try not to analyze everything like I'm beating a dead horse. To just live and enjoy and be thankful for what I have.
To be more patient and understanding. To not look for acceptance from others and see that I'm good enough the way I am. To love my body, flaws and all as I have yet to see a body that is perfect without airbrushing. To see that we are all perfect in our own way. To just be happy for other's successes and not worry so much about what may not be going well in my life.

There is a reason for everything. I don't need to know the reason but I need to accept that it happened so that something else will happen that is better. To let my walls down and be open. I think this is better than any new year's resolution I can think of. How far I've come in my maturity and how much I've grown in life. Huh...I guess I'm really happy. I just needed to see it in print. And now you have too.