wishful thinking

Another sleepless night. I hate when I can't sleep. It's these moments when I'm alone and it's late and quiet that my mind starts to think of things that I'd rather just put aside for times when I'm feeling stronger to deal with them. Although my dog has decided that if I'm up why not see if I'd be interested in a game of "throw the pig"...her favorite stuffed toy. As I lay here and type she has brought her pig over to me and has it in her mouth and her mouth resting on my arm. But that's just a side note.

So I contemplate my thoughts and wonder why things happen the way they do. Wonder if I'm going to regret my decisions or choices. I'm not one for regret...only lessons learned. I spent the better part of last night....3AM until 7AM on the phone with a good friend. A relatively new friend but she's really turned out to be quite a good friend and, let's face it, someone who will be on the phone with me from 3AM til 7 AM and has a family of her own is a damn good friend. Actually I have many damn good friends. I'm fortunate for that. But the reason for the phone call, aside from the fact that I had been out dancing and having some cocktails, I'm just feeling lost. And it's one of those things that I can't just get an exact answer to. Between the two of us we told our stories and listened to each other. She's a good person and I'm grateful that we have met.

I guess I was hoping for an exact answer to my query. But looks as though I'm not going to get it. It's not like she didn't want to give me an answer...she's just as stumped as I am. But I'm glad she was there to listen. It's one of those situations that I need to let go of. My new year resolution. Hard for me to just let go and allow whatever needs to happen just happen. Situations like this I turn to defense mode and protect myself. But I need to have faith. Faith that I will do the right thing and good will come from it.

Someone said to me tonight that they were shocked that I was such a loyal person. He was commenting on a situation he is somewhat familiar with. And I find that interesting to be shocked of someone's loyalty. I responded that I didn't do what I did for anyone. I did it for myself. I'm not one to intentionally hurt anyone. And it's important that when I lay my head down at night I know that if I can't sleep it's not because of anything I've done to hurt anyone. I know there are people in this world that don't consider these things. I do. Does that make me special? No. Unique? I'm unique but not for that reason. I'm real and what you see is what you get. But I've realized that just because I consider myself to be a good person doesn't mean that I'm entitled to good things. I hope that good things come my way but that's not always the case. This is my process of trying to just let go and allow whatever to happen...happen. Quite a process. And my blog a moment of therapy late at night when I can't sleep.

Thanks, 'E.L.' I appreciate the ear. Hope you got some sleep.