The Usual

Saturday morning finds me at the usual restaurant with my 2 good friends laughing about all the shit life has to offer throughout the week. Today's topic, as is most weekend's topic, relationships. Not that any of us are in a relationship but it's interesting talking about our dating experiences. And it's also interesting what we remember from relationships that meant something to us.

For instance...I remember the exact date my last boyfriend told me he loved me. March 8th, 1997. I remember exactly where and how he said it. I remember feeling love for him but I've never told anyone that I loved them first so I wanted to wait. And he ended up saying it first, thank God. I thought I may burst if he didn't say it because I so loved him. Well...it was nice while it lasted but it did come to an end. I haven't felt like that since and haven't told anyone I loved them since that relationship ended.

Which makes me wonder how many great loves do we get in a life time? I guess if I were to look back, I can say I've been in love 2 times. The one I just mentioned and my first love when I was still only a teenager. But that was young love and I was so caught up in the romance of it all. I've learned so much since then and probably will not allow myself to fall so hard as I did that first time. Now that was truly a heartbreaker. But comical now that I look back. So foolish I was with my first love. So guarded I am now. Yet still hopeful. But those are the most significant men in my life and they couldn't have been more different. I sometimes wonder if I ever will feel like that again.

I guess I am curious to know why, with the success rate of marriage and/or relationships really not all that successful, why do I still pursue my next great love? Especially since love can be so devastatingly hurtful. Why do I/we still want to be in love? My answer: Although love can hurt emensely, I guess when you're in it....it feels absolutely, fucking wonderful.

KILL ME NOW

Happy VD

I was not looking forward to this day at ALL! I was wishing I could just nix the whole Valentine's Day bullshit completely from my memory for just this one year. I came to the conclusion that unless I was willing to take enormous quantities of some major illegal drug, I had no choice but to face the day head on and deal with the inevitable. No Valentine. OK. I'm OK with that. I woke up with a slight headache but pushed forward into my day. I can do this.

What a wonderful surprise I ended up having. It's almost too unreal to mention as I'm so astonished myself. As I arrived at work I went to my usual Monday morning staff meeting. (boring) but after when I slowly turned the corner to my cubbie. There on my desk was a HUGE arrangement of flowers. Beautiful flowers! An enormous arrangement full of Irises....my favorite! The card attached was anonymous but I had an idea who it might be. But he, apparently had more planned and this was just the beginning of my eventful day. The card detailed what would happen once my day of work ended and I was to go home and get ready for an amazing dinner at my favorite restaurant. I was giddy all day. I had a smile on my face as though I woke up with a hanger in my mouth.

I left work to go to my scheduled visit to one of my hospitals. My admirer must have been at work as I had an iris on my windsheild as well with another note detailing what would happen "after dark". I was so shocked at his attention to detail. My day had to go quickly so I could get to that moment of bliss when I would meet him later. The day dragged on but I finally finished my work and headed home.

I raced through the door and jumped in the shower. So excited for his arrival. I was so shiny clean and my low cut shirt with push-up bra on. His favorite perfume applied in just the right places. The doorbell rang. I looked good. I was nervous.

When he came in he looked at me as though it was the first time he's seen me in months. He came towards me and cupped my face in his hands and kissed me long and soft. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to make it to the restaurant. I wanted him right now! What this man can do to me. He kissed my neck as he pushed my hair aside and walked behind me. All the time constantly touching me. I could feel my heart racing and my mind was too. It was so smooth as he reached around to place a beautiful white gold and ruby necklace around my neck. He lifted my hair to fasten it and as the clasp closed he softly ran his finger down the back of my neck and enveloped me in his arms. I leaned back against him and sighed. It felt so good to be held and feel safe. I never thought he would have come through for me. It wasn't the gifts, although they were beautiful. It was being with him. He did all of this for me. I felt so special...

and then my cell phone rang and I woke up. Yeah....this shit doesn't really happen. And it's obvious I don't have much of an imagination. But what the fuck. It's my fucking blog and my fucking computer and fuck it. Don't read the damn thing. I don't care.

Happy fucking Valentine's Day.

ooh la la

Life has been kicking me in the ass lately. It's been one thing after another and it's been hard to laugh it off, as I seem to normally do. But I gotta say that one thing can certainly make me forget my troubles. A French man. With the heavy French accent and all. It really doesn't matter what he has to say, he can say anything and it sounds wonderful. And when he speaks French to me, WOW.

I was planning a trip to France with my best friend for our birthdays. Unfortunately, the trip has been cancelled due to lack of funds for both of us. I am disappointed as now I don't have anything to look forward to at the moment. And, like previously mentioned, things have been really tough. I thought it would be fun to go to Paris and have a French man for my birthday. Well, so much for going to Paris but it seems as though I will at least have my French man. Maybe it won't last until my birthday but I'm not complaining while it does last. I'm just going to enjoy being treated like a queen and the French accent. Ooh la la, mon cheri...LOVE the French accent!

When it rains it pours

I think I can say, without doubt or hesitation, that work, family and personal life are all, officially....in the toilet. Would someone please flush it and put me out of my misery. At least I could watch the blue water swirling around the bowl.

V D

VD...Not exactly what I mean....VD. I'm not referring to "venereal disease" although it might as well be. No, no...I'm talking about Valentine's Day. Once again I find myself on the brink of another VD. All the fricken commercials about that "special someone" make me want to barf. The advertising just so you can feel inadequate if you don't have that "special someone" in your life. It's all bullshit! I'm sick of feeling like I'm not complete because I'm alone. I am complete. I'm perfect! I'm not stuck in some meaningless relationship where I don't talk to someone or they cheat on me or lie to me or we can't stand to be around each other. All so that one day a year I can receive some cheap plastic shit or over-priced flowers so that I can feel special. It's all wrong! It's very similar to the government trying to get us to believe the whole "weapons of mass destruction" or the social security scam bullshit! It's wrong! Where's my day? Where's my day of celebrating being single? Celebrating being single and in my mid thirties and OK with it??? Celebrating the fact that I am OK on my own! It's OK to be independent and it's OK to be single and not willing to settle for just anyone.

I've been in the relationship where I felt more alone when I was with him than when I was truly by myself. I'm not willing to settle for that every again. I'm not willing to settle, period! I'm not going to be with someone just because my mother wonders why I'm not married yet. I'm not going to be with someone just because every one around me seems to be with someone. I'm not willing to compromise myself anymore just because society puts such a label on being just "one".

I've been burned one too many times. So I need to be careful. It's not that I don't want to be with someone. I really do. But like I said...I never want to feel alone when I'm with that person. I never want to feel like I'm being lied to or cheated on. I don't want to wonder, I just want to know and feel good about who I am with. I've been to "lied to blvd." I've traveled down the "mistrust avenue". Those streets are dangerous and I need to avoid them at all costs.

So in lieu of VD I've decided to just enjoy myself. Why do I need to feel so alone because of one stupid day in February. I mean I'm single and I'm still getting laid (crude, I realize that...but it's important and I am in my sexual prime and fuck it...get over it. I need good sex!) This is where I am in my life and it's all good! I am single. I am in my mid-thirties. I am still fabulous! Go fuck yourself, Hallmark...How's that for a card?