Men

What is this all about? Relationships, casual sex, friendships. How do we define our roles in a time when gender roles are so equal? Are they? Do we date anymore? What is a date? Books on him not being into me and now maybe I'm not that into him. Are we even "into" each other? How do people get together anymore? I hear about it. My friends are doing it. Yet it still eludes me.

The older I get the more baggage they have. Even dating men who are divorced with teenagers. TEENAGERS! I could be sleeping with a guy that isn't that far out of highschool or I could be having dinner with a guy who's kids are IN highschool! When did I get here? What happened along the way? Is it bad that I don't wait very long into the "dating" before we're into the "sex"? What's the secret to a successful relationship? Do I even want a relationship? Especially since the success rate of relationships is less than 50%. Not very good odds.

But man...what a fabulous feeling when you're in love. That's probably one of the very few times that I feel so completely alive. And that's such a wonderful feeling!
Yet all too often I am lied to, cheated on, misguided...all by men! Why can't they just be honest? Are they so insecure with themselves that they feel if you really know about them you wouldn't want them. One thing is for sure...when I find out they have lied...and I always do...I'm no longer as impressed with them as I once was.

So what is the secret? I have been single for many years and, for the most part, I'm happy with my life. I've grown and matured into a wonderful person. I like who I am. I have such wonderful friends! So what's the secret? Why does a relationship continue to be so hard to find? I do realize that one thing is holding me back and that's something I'm trying to deal with. Or let go of. But I still don't understand why, when it's happening for others all over the place. Why can't I find it? Why does it continue to elude me? What am I doing wrong in my quest for a great man? A great relationship? With the millions of single men on this planet, is it so hard to find ONE? One good one? Oops...see there I go...."good one" means my standards are still too high!

The quest continues...or should I say saga.

Why

So often I wish I could calm my mind. Release the thoughts that haunt me every day. Knowing that it would be best to cleanse myself of these feelings that plague me. I can't. It's a drug. It's not good for my body or soul but I can't let go. Why? What is the purpose of this being that has intruded my seemingly normal life and turned it upside down? Why did I let the creature in?

Many things are a gamble and I'm sick of losing. Sick of taking the plunge only to find myself sinking again.

My house is hot and sweat beads on my forehead. The loneliness is palpable.

kit kat krap

Self diagnosis for myself...hence "self" diagnosis. Adult A.D.D.

• Start to straighten the spare room. I come upon an old birthday card from someone dear to me.
  
• Go create a 'memory' box out of old shoe box and cover with colorful wrapping paper. (SHIT, I've just done something crafty!) Leave wrapping paper on floor with scissors and tape. Box created.
  
• Leave spare room to now hunt for cards and letters from those I care for dearly and fill my 'memory' box.
  
• While searching through stacks of, well, shit and locating those 'memories' sort through old bills and throw them out.
  
• Back to 'memory' box and cards and letters.
  
• Decide to light some incense.
  
• New CD in player.
  
• Clean out nightstand drawer. (Not sure how I ended up in my bedroom and what I needed in my nightstand drawer)
• Decide that I've added enough 'memories' to said memory box and put that away.
• Oh, back to spare room to straighten.
  
• While in den getting something for spare room, begin to rummage through crap in den and proceed to organize bookshelves.
• Now on computer writing about my scattered mind...and nothing has been completed. Except now I have another box to put shit in that I probably should just throw out. Does this mean I'll end up an old lady with 83 cats shitting all over my place, overflowing litter boxes and I'm eating the cat food? Hmmm, things to ponder. What would Martha Stewart do? She'd probably take that memory box and rub a potato half on it to make it looked aged. It's a good thing.
  

Mom's Day

How pathetic am I that on Mother's Day my mom calls me! Now I would have called her. She must have been having one of her moments where she's kinda bored and there wasn't anything good on TV so she decided to call me and wish ME a Happy Mother's Day! I'm not a mom. Well...not to a human that is. I'm a mom to a dog...but I guess it still counts. Just the same, I still felt bad.

It was about noon. I was up, sort of. I had been up and it was such a gorgeous day that I decided to open up the windows and doors and let the air in and just lounge around on a glorious Sunday morning. Hey, lounging can get tiring so I must have dozed on and off numberous times throughout the morning. I know I missed the Golden Girls (another reason I'm pathetic...and single). But at 12:03pm mom's calling. I think I managed to sound awake but I'm sure she suspected that she did, in fact, just wake me up. What can I say...this life of leisure is getting boring. I need to work, but I digress.

I remain a pathetic daughter because my mom couldn't wait any longer and ended up calling me so I could wish her a Happy Mother's Day. Man, I suck.

To all moms. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! You deserve it!

The Big Apple

New York here I come!

I'm so excited. I've only been to New York City once before and, although I had fun, much of my time was spent with my best friend's boyfriend. Her 'bf' at that time was a major pain in the ass and annoying as hell. It's hard for me to endure too much time spent with a complete moron. Stupidity is something that I have very little tolerance for if any at all. If that makes me a snob...then so be it. (She has since moved on to a much, MUCH better guy.)

Back to my New York trip. I have yet to experience Central Park, the Brooklyn Bridge, the Statue of Liberty, the Plaza Hotel, New York pizza...EVERYTHING! Times Square is something that I'd like to experience again. The energy of the city is something I can't wait to experience. This time I plan on coming home with more "stuff" than I did the last time. I'd also like to go horseback riding in Central Park. Seems weird but I usually end up going horseback riding just about every place I travel to and that would be so cool to do in the middle of the city.

This couldn't have happened at a better time. I don't start my new job until May 23rd so why not take a mini-vaca with my best guy friend. Although he'll be working during the day I'll be able to roam around and hopefully my sister's friend, S, will be able to meet up with me at least once and we can explore the city together! I'm really excited about this trip if you haven't already guessed.