Yet another hurricane is headed towards Florida. Not exactly the sunshine state that I had in mind when I moved here. And although this hurricane, 'Jeanne', is hitting the east coast first...and moving across the state, we're still going to get hit with something. Depending on the path thus far, we're going to get something and quite frankly I'm so over this shit. Just like most Floridians...we're ALL over this shit.

I don't make the kind of money that is required to "stock up" every fricken weekend. Nor do I consume endless amounts of canned food on a daily, weekly or even monthly basis. I have more tuna, pork-n-beans, chili and various fruits and veggies that I just know will not be eaten in the next 6 months even if I had a hurricane canned good party. Looks like the local homeless shelter will be getting my hurricane goods come this Thanksgiving.

So now it's a sit and wait it out kinda thing to see if my power goes out and if so for how long. When hurricane Frances came through the area as a tropical storm, there were areas that didn't have power for weeks! I'm not good without power. I don't like camping and roughing it. Therefore I don't camp! I hate it. It's not my style. And my patience with these damn hurricanes is wearing very thin.

What's interesting is as I sit here bitching about my anxiousness with the hurricane and how I don't like being inconvenienced with no power, buying shit food that I don't normally like to eat, I feel humbled since I know that it's really not that bad. I can't help but think of our troops in the middle east. One person in particular whom I just wish would come home. But every single person in the military who is over there serving their country. At times, no power, shit food...regardless of what they may or may not have, it's still not home. I will never know what it is like for those over there. They are not forgotten. Be safe...to all those stationed in the middle east...be safe. Especially you, z. I don't think I could forget you even if I tried.

So I had a very relaxing weekend. I was able to catch up on some sleep and there was no threat of a hurricane coming anytime soon. I was finally able to put my head to pillow and sigh. NO worries. Just relaxing all weekend. Until late Sunday night. I fell asleep and all was well until I woke around 3AM with a killer migraine. Head was about to explode and no one was there to feel even slightly sorry for me. The dog was bothered since I had woken her up. No love there. So I trod off to the kitchen with eyes barely open since they are bloodshot and swollen from the migraine. Need to locate the meds before it gets worse and I want to cut my fricken head off. Unfortunately, in my haste to get the pill out of the package...it kinda breaks and there is some powder and a crushed pill on my hands. I don't care...I refuse to waste the medicine that is so important to my existance. {slightly dramatic but it's my fucking blog} I swallow the broken pill and the powder and realize at that moment that I've done something very wrong. I mean I realize why they make it in pill form...the poweder tastes like ASS! Now I must admit I've never really tasted ass, and I've been told it's not so bad...but at this point in the night when my head is pounding and all I want is some relief from the driving pain...ass is not what I care to taste. Well...the horrible, bitter powder in my mouth sends me in a rush to the bathroom. Now I'm gagging and hugging the toilet seat.


I spent the better part of the wee hours of the morning in the bathroom, over the toilet, clearly not my best hour. If you've ever experienced a migraine and had the pleasure of taking it to the level of throwing up then you will understand that the throwing up part really doesn't make the headache feel any better. And to make matters worse, the medicine that was supposed to help get rid of the headache was now in the toilet. Didn't even get a good chance to disolve but I was fortunate enough to get that wonderful bitter taste again as it was making it's short lived trip back up. And so as not to stop there, my wonderful dog has now gotten curious to know why I am on the bathroom floor aparently 'gazing' into the toilet that I usually 'shoo' her away from. She meanders over to where I am plopped on the floor and decides that if I was this interested in the toilet, it must be good. At this point my head is in the toilet and so is Roxie's. Tail wagging, ears perked, nose trying so desperately to see what is so fascinating about the toilet. In between heaving, I'm trying to get her the fuck outta there. Leave me vomit in peace for god's sake. If that is possible. Gotta love that dog, she always knows where to put her 'nose' at just the right moment.

At this point you must be thinking...is she really blogging about puking? And the answer would be yes...I had to experience it and since nothing exciting has happened lately, you will read about my headache/puke experience.

Back to bed I went with a cold cloth on my head and a bag of frozen veggies wrapped in a towel behind my neck. I find that frozen peas seem to work best as it's almost like those buckwheat travel pillows and they conform to the neck very well. I was able to find a cold gel mask for my eyes. It's in these moments that I am very glad that I am not in a relationship as I'm sure he would take one look at my pathetic, sorry ass and wonder why....

I was able to fall asleep for an hour or so. Woke up and took some more meds. Called in sick to work. At this point, I'm so out of it that I really don't care if the world were to end. I just want the pain to go away. I was able to sleep for a few more hours before I had to run to the bathroom again. It's during these headaches that I find that even thinking can send me into a tail spin. Aparently I had a thought.

Thankfully, now I am just in dazed and confused mode. When I finally do get rid of a migraine I'm usually pretty out of it later. Light and dizzy. But I am able to blog. Let us all be thankful for that. Riiiiiiight.

You know the feeling when you care for someone...be it a family member, friend, significant other...you care for them so much that when they are hurting it hurts you too. It's hard when I see those that I love hurting and I can't do anything about it. I feel so helpless. I want to say the right thing but ultimately I don't know what to say. I usually end up saying something funny. I can at least make you laugh. But that feeling of helplessness. Is that a woman thing? Do we always want to fix things? Make them better?

I hate feeling helpless. Nothing that I can do but just let those that are hurting know that I am here. Be it a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a beer to share. How about a LifeSaver...that seemed to be the answer in those commercials. I can offer a butterscotch LifeSaver. Nah...that really doesn't do shit. Chocolate cake might work...always makes me feel good for a moment.

I have to just succumb to the fact that I can't do anything to make it better or make the pain go away. I know this as I've been in those situations where it will have to happen in its own time. I can't make the war over. I can't bring someone home from a horrific place any sooner. I can't make the heartache go away within my friend who is missing her heart's desire. It will all happen in its own time. The only thing I can promise is that it will get better...someday it will be better. And in the meantime, I will be here.

Have a LifeSaver.

I received this e-mail from a marine I know and I thought it was so profound and touching I thought it needed to be shared. Author unknown and I get the feeling that this e-mail has been circulated around. It was written by a navy combat doc of her experience in Iraq. A good first hand account.

Semper Fi,

Greetings all from hot, hot, hot Iraq,
We are short indeed...although not quite as short as we had originally thought...our flight home has been posted and is showing up 3 days later than planned. The good news is that we leave in the middle of the night and arrive (all admin complete, including turning our weapons into the armory) ! around dinnertime at Pendleton on the same day we leave (11 hrs time difference). The other good news is it appears we've got commercial contract air carriers taking us home...so we don't have to worry about sleeping on the cold steel deck of an Air Force C-17.

So...we turned over authority of the surgical company last week to our replacements, who had a serious trial by fire here in multiple ways, including multiple traumas, surgeries, increased risk to their personal safety, power outages, water outages, and camel spiders in the hospital...all in their first 4 days. But a few days ago, we heard the helicopters coming and knew they were dealing with multiple traumas, several of which were going to the OR...and we sat in our barracks and waited for them to call us if they needed us. They never did. Last week was the ceremony to mark the official end of our role here. Now we just wait.

As the days move very slowly by, just! waiting, I decided that one of the things I should work on for my own closure and therapeutic healing...is a list. The list would be a comparison: "Things That Were Good" about Iraq and being deployed with the Marines as one of the providers in a surgical company, and "Things That Were Not Good." Of course, it's quite obvious that this list will be very lopsided. But I thought I would do it anyway, hoping that somehow the trauma, the fear, the grief, the laughter, the pride and the patriotism that have marked this long seven months for me will begin to make sense, through my writing. Interestingly, it sort of turned into a poem. To be expected, I guess.

Most of all it's just therapy, and by now I should be relatively good at that. Hard to do for yourself, though.

So here goes...in reverse order of importance...

Things That Were Good

Sunset ov! er the desert...almost always orange
Sunrise over the desert...almost always red
The childlike excitement of having fresh fruit at dinner after going weeks without it

Being allowed to be the kind of clinician I know I can be, and want to be, with no limits placed and no doubts expressed

But most of all,
The United States Marines, our patients...
Walking, every day, and having literally every single person who passes by say "Hoorah, Ma'am..."
Having them tell us, one after the other, through blinding pain or morphine-induced euphoria..."When can I get out of here? I just want to get back to my unit..."
Meeting a young Sergeant, who had lost an eye in an explosion...he asked his surgeon if he could open the other one...when he did, he sat up and looked at the young Marines from his fire team who were being treated for superficial shrapnel wounds in the next room...he smiled, laid back down, and said, "I only have one good eye, Doc! , but I can see that my Marines are OK."
And of course, meeting th e one who threw himself on a grenade to save the men at his side...who will likely be the first Medal of Honor recipient in over 11 years...

My friends...some of them will be lifelong in a way that is indescribable
My patients...some of them had courage unlike anything I've ever experienced before
My comrades, Alpha Surgical Company...some of the things witnessed will traumatize them forever, but still they provided outstanding care to these Marines, day in and day out, sometimes for days at a time with no break, for 7 endless months

And last, but not least...
Holding the hand of that dying Marine

Things That Were Not Good

Terrifying camel spiders, poisonous scorpions, flapping bats in the darkness, howling, territorial wild dogs, flies that insisted on landing on our faces, giant, looming mosquitoes, invisible sand flies that carry leischmaniasis

132 degrees
Wearing long sl! eeves, full pants and combat boots in 132 degrees
Random and totally predictable power outages that led to sweating throughout the night
Sweating in places I didn't know I could sweat...like wrists, and ears

The roar of helicopters overhead
The resounding thud of exploding artillery in the distance
The popping of gunfire...
Not knowing if any of the above sounds is a good thing, or bad thing
The siren, and the inevitable "big voice" yelling at us to take cover...
Not knowing if that siren was on someone's DVD or if the big voice would soon follow

The cracking sound of giant artillery rounds splitting open against rock and dirt
The rumble of the ground...
The shattering of the windows...
Hiding under flak jackets and kevlar helmets, away from the broken windows, waiting to be told we can come to the hospital...to treat the ones who were not so lucky...

Watching the helicopter with the big red cross on the side l! anding at our pad
Worse...watching Marine helicopters filled with patients landing at our pad...because we usually did not realize they were coming...

Ushering a sobbing Marine Colonel away from the trauma bay while several of his Marines bled and cried out in pain inside
Meeting that 21-year-old Marine with three Purple Hearts...and listening to him weep because he felt ashamed of being afraid to go back
Telling a room full of stunned Marines in blood-soaked uniforms that their comrade, that they had tried to save, had just died of his wounds
Trying, as if in total futility, to do anything I could, to ease the trauma of group after group...that suffered loss after loss, grief after inconsolable grief...

Washing blood off the boots of one of our young nurses while she told me about the one who bled out in the trauma bay...and then the one who she had to tell, when he pleaded for the truth, that his best friend didn't make it...
Listening to another of our nurses tell of the Marine who came in talking, tellin! g her his name...about how she pleaded with him not to give up, told him that she was there for him...about how she could see his eyes go dull when he couldn't fight any longer...

And last, but not least...
Holding the hand of that dying Marine

One more thing that I just had to mention for today. We have a major election coming up in less than 2 months. November 2nd is going to be a huge day for this country and you need to get out and vote! Don't even think that your one vote doesn't count.

Look back to the 2000 election and and just see how split the country was. In my heart I believe that Al Gore got the shaft. But the fact is that Bush only won by a few hundred votes. A FEW HUNDRED! Imagine! Your vote does count!

Especially this election where women's rights are on the verge of being completely taken away. With the war in Iraq being on the forefront of everyone's minds (and it should be). The jobless rates also being a big issue. What hasn't gotten much press are women's rights. You need to be informed. Whether you're a Republican, a Democrat, or undecided...you're an American and you need to vote!

If you've read my blog it's pretty obvious where I stand on who should be in the white house. The way I see it, I'd rather have 2 John's in the white house than a Dick in a Bush.

Just fucking vote!

If you have not had the opportunity to stumble across this soldier's blog...please visit it. It's an amazing account of what is going on over in Iraq from a real point of view. This man should write a book. Be safe CB.

http://cbftw.blogspot.com/

OK. Well...this is great. We now have yet ANOTHER hurricane heading this way and I have got to say. I'M OVER THIS SHIT!!!!!
I have more canned food, duct tape, D batteries, candles and twinkies than I care to mention. Except for the candles and the twinkies...I have no need for the rest of the shit. Unless I end up with no power and no home in the nest few days. I'm sick of buying large jugs of water to lug them up my stairs and then lug them back down to my car to evacuate the area. Only to lug them back up after the storm has passed. Now, mind you, I am greatful that so far I've fared very well. Charley missed us completely and Frances was scarey and slightly destructive to us but really all was ok. Now we have Ivan the terrible headed straight for Tampa Bay at a catagory 4. If it maintains it's current track...we will not be so lucky this time. And I will definitely leave the area. Hell...I'm leaving the state! Shit...I'm thinking that maybe it might be a good idea to consider moving all together. This sucks.

And as I stated in a previous blog...it's the waiting and wondering that really bites. The not knowing what to expect and where it's going to go is so nerve wracking. I'm not a very calm person when this shit happens.

So I sit and wait...and wait...and wiat. Waiting for God knows what!!!

Well....shit, fuck, damn...sonbitch. I don't think I care to go through that shit again. I just returned home from my weekend at my wonderful, thoughtful, caring and basically fabulous friend's house. Not really a planned get away more like...hey, man, this hurricane is headed this way and I don't want to be alone if my electricity is going to be out and the winds are going to be blowing everything all over the place. So off I went to 'W' house and we spent the Labor Day weekend with each other and our 3 dogs.

Quite the experience. The dogs alone were worth the stay. He has 2 dogs, or should I say one dog and one pillow. Sophia is your typical or atypical beagle. Maybe more like a typical woman. She's demanding, high strung, attention seeking and all around pretty damn cute. Whitman...now he's a different story. He is also pretty damn cute but the fact that we were in the line of a hurricane really didn't seem to phase him. He truly couldn't have cared less. It was more of a thing that it interupted his sleep time that was a problem for him. I should add he is also a beagle. More along the lines of Snoopy but 100 times more mellow.

My dog, Roxie...well...she just wants to play. And if she's not playing then she's trying to get some lovin in any way she can. She has a killer strong nose that she will shove under your arm and push herself in until you pet her. She will get attention, oh yes...she will. And aside from the playing and lovin...she can be a little nervous. And when things just aren't the way they should be she gets just a little high strung...maybe reflective of her mom...hmmmmm.

So there we sat all weekend. 'W', myself, Roxie, Sophia...and Whitman, (well he slept). Thank God the electricity managed to stay on most of the time. We drank beer, wine, water and managed to find some restaurants still willing to brave the weather and be open for our breakfast enjoyment. The winds whipped all around Sunday and the rain seemed never ending. Let me tell ya...dogs do not want to go to the bathroom outside when the weather sucks...and to hell with picking up after them...shit...the wind took care of that. But the killer was Sunday night. I really thought that the worst was over until around 1:30AM. That's when it really decided to "kick it up a knotch". I'd doze off then suddenly the windows were rattling and the rain was pounding. The gusts were major and Roxie, who was sound asleep, was now pacing.

I have to admit...I was a little nervous. The wind was never ending. Just a constant noise and the rain mixed with the windows rattling. I was over the whole damn thing by about 5AM. But it was not done. I was amazed that the electricity stayed on for most of it but finally had had enough around 7AM.

I have to admit, I'm not one for "roughing it". Not even for a few hours. And when you get so used to electricity and then you don't have it...man that sucks. I kept turning on the light switch so I could find the matches for the candles. DUH! I would have never made it in colonial times. And another thing that I noticed...the vacuum doesn't work either when there's not electricity. Hmmmm...time to touch up my roots to make them more blonde.

The winds died down and I was finally able to come home. My place has electricity. Screw 'W'....as long as I have electricity. Noooo, I'm just kidding. When I was leaving there his electricity was coming on. The news said that over 600,000 people in the Bay area were without electricity today. This storm was significant and may trees and limbs down in my neighborhood. Traffic lights out, streets flooded. The worst in the 6 years I've been here. I'm exhausted and all I did was sit around and wait it out. But I'm thankful for my friends. Thankful for my frantic, worried family who slept soundly while I called at 2AM a little nervous and no one answered...that's ok sista....I feel the love.

Now time for blessed sleep.

Godspeed Z...be safe.

Here I sit...waiting for Frances to hit. Most likely a tropical storm with the potential for some hurricane force winds to hit the area. My mother is frantic and ultimately I find it hard to talk to her as I end up trying to calm her down. Hey...I'm the one in the storm here.

It's the anticipation that's the killer. Not really knowing what to expect. And that's so true. Thing is...I've created just that situation for myself on a personal level and the more I look at it the more it's just too much drama. It's a hard thing to do when it's someone you care about. The quote by Iyanla VanZandt keeps resonating in my mind..."lessons will repeat themselves until they are learned". At least I can see this more clearly now, but it's still hard to learn the lesson.


I've never considered myself much of an emotional person. I mean I certainly care about those close to me and I know what love it. Healthy love that is. But when my emotions are being toyed with, it's just something that I need to step back and take a look at. I love roller coasters but not ones that are emotional. Life is hard enough as is. We're all just trying to survive. We all have our shit to deal with. Some more so than others. I know my life could be better than it is but the thing is...it could also be worse. I have many things to be thankful for. And many things that I could have done differently. But I was never one to intentionally hurt anyone. And I expect the same from others. But I don't always get it.

Why is it that women are usually so good at liking someone for what they see as their "potential". We fall for someone because we see that person's potential. Interesting how it's usually the case that the person never truly reaches their potential. And we become cynical and hurt by that. When we truly knew from the start that the red flags were right there. But we so typically choose to overlook them.

I'm not desperate, shit...I'm a good catch. And ultimately would rather be alone than with someone who is a shit. But why are there so many shits out there? And why do they all seem to find me? Basically I'm a shit magnet. Actually, I prefer to say that I'm a freak or unattainable man magnet. If a freak or unattainable man is out there...they will inevitably gravitate towards me. Not something I care to win an award for. But it seems to be the case.

You know...there's some really shitty things going on in this world. Most of what I can't even fathom. The war alone is heartbreaking. All the killing in general all over the world. We all have our cross to bear. Some of those crosses are more of a burden than others. But I do know this...look around you...there will always be someone who has it better than you and there will always be someone who is worse off than you. We will always struggle. There will always be hate. I don't have the answers...I'm just trying to survive. Just like everyone else. It's not all about me. It's not all about you. But it is a choice.

Godspeed Z

It was three weeks ago today that I first learned of Hurricane Charley. I wasn't that worried about it since I wasn't that aware about the damn thing. I was working late at the office (number crunching...not my favorite thing to do) and my sister called and asked if I was ok. I didn't know what she meant by "OK". Turns out she knew more about the upcoming hurricane that I did and she lives in Minnesota!

The next day proved to be even more nerve wracking. As the day progressed and I attempted to work the area became very eerie. I left work in the afternoon to go back to the house to start to prepare. My best friend, 'S' had to evacuate her condo so she evacuated to my place since it's not in an evacuation zone. But screw the zone thing...what about winds!!!

For whatever reason...this is so unlike me...I felt the need to clean. And not just straighten up clean...I mean really scrub the shit outta my place. Spent a shitload of money at the grocery store on crap that I normally wouldn't buy. Course the batteries won't go to waste. Hey, I am a single gal. But I digress.

'S' shows up and we spend the rest of the evening watching the updates on the hurricane as the local channels provided continuous coverage of the storm. It wasn't until Friday morning that we decided to get the hell out of dodge. Packed up the animals, packed up the flashlights, candles, food and water and migrated across the bay to my friend's house...away from the water. (By the way...thanks again, C & D, you guys are wonderful friends for putting all of us up for the night.) My friend and her hubby were just wonderful.

Needless to say...the storm took a turn south of us and we didn't get hit, thank God. Unfortunately the Charlotte county area did get slammed and the storm created a path of destruction diagonally across the state. Exiting Daytona still a catagory 1 hurricane.
What an experience. I slept very hard that night once I knew we were out of danger.

Now, today...another hurricane heads towards Florida. This one on the east coast but supposedly to criss cross the state again in the opposite direction and possibly to affect Tampa Bay. I'm not sure I can take this one.

The anticipation alone is what's killing me. The continuous calls from worried family members. I'm pissed since my sister was supposed to come down here this weekend. But it doesn't seem right to have her and the LP come down only to be in the middle of a hurricane...even a tropical storm. Reschedule that damn trip is what I say. Imagine that...it's actually going to be nicer in Minnesota than it is in Florida. We were going to rent a boat...tool around the Gulf. Just relax. But it's just not going to happen. I'll just have to let it go and accept what is.